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faisal:


i stood there staring at the envelope. what would i tell layan?



 what could i tell layan?




that her brother didn't want to see her?



 that he just gave me something that he knew i loved? that he knew meant the world to me?



 something i kept secret, so far fetched i didn't dare dream id ever get it.

so i stood there infornt of our hotel room and i thought about that day .....when we were thirteen.







fahad walked into my room at boarding school and told me to pack up since we were road tripping with my mom to southampton. ya. that stupid hell hole that didn't even have wifi. 

i rolled my eyes and sighed.

i ran my little hands through my hair.

fahad laughed.

fahad: " oh come on it can't be that bad. we have a pool there at least! and my mom's meeting us there remember? no dads. no ones going to mess up this vacation." he said.

i smiled encouragingly and nodded.

when we got there the next day fahad and i stood in front of the southampton lodge both of our fathers owned. they used to come here during there college days but as usual they grew out of it. they got bored. just like they did with everything else.

fahad and i got into our mirroring rooms. so we were basically 5 feet apart. our moms announced that wed be ordering take out so i was happy that wed at least be fed.

i pulled out my swimming trunks and thought: you might as well get on with it and at least try to enjoy it.

when we got down and swam our mothers joined us poolside and chatted about god knows what.

i hated to admit it, but it was fun. i felt free. i felt happy for once. 

7asayt nafsy 5afeef o mirtaaaaaa7. 

i smiled.

our moms called us to the table we ate and we had cake afterwards. 
nothing special.

that night fahad and i went out into the backyard because he wanted to show me something.

fahad: " close your eyes!!!" he hissed. and i sighed but did as i was told and he held my shirt while he led me to the trees out back.

fahad: " happy birthday faisal" he said and i opened my eyes. 

i was surrounded by fireflies. fireflies everywhere. i looked around me in awe. this was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 


 i was so happy that i could fly along with those buzzing fireflies. we ran around catching them and we let them go. but i took one with me.

i took one with me back home as i took fahad to his room.

and then i snuck back out there with my hand still in my pocket.

i remember taking out the firefly and whispering something to it.

i didn't think anyone would hear me.

no one was there

" i wish i could build my own family hear. have my wife and children here. away from baba. away from the world" i said quietly and released it.

" ya rab inshallah taktib ma feeh il5air. o ta36eeny 3ala gad niyity"  i said and left.



shlon sima3ny? ana wa9alta ghorfita ib nafsy.

i took out my phone and sent him a text

faisal: you were part of that dream fahad. you and layan and your future wife.

i closed my eyes and braced myself for what i was about to find behind my door. i would have to tell her. that her brother didn't want to be found.