56

(this post is my gift to you and to myself ;)    )
listen to latch by sam smith and disclosure. ( lana del rey  -video games ( liam wales dubstep) and say something, and i see fire- by ed sheeran)



Layan:


and so i called reem, talked to her, told her everything.

she already heard and knew.

but reem said something that i couldn't get out of my head

" don't forget, he did this for you. and though he may seem like the devil, he's going through a lot of shit. his mom is dead layan, she's dead, the only reason he's still here is for you. its all for you"

so i sat there.


i sat there and watched tv. and waited for him to come home. 

i felt guilty, and miserable, and homesick.

and then i realised that faisal was home to me. and as long as he and i were fighting, this homesickness would always occupy that space in my heart. 

so i waited.

10 pm. 11. 12. 1. 2


and when it hit 2:30 am

the door opened.

he walked in. i couldn't process what was going on.


 his scar.
 my heart
 my mind, 
his eyes.

he was in the doorway. black shirt wide shocked eyes, mouth slitely open, a cut in his lip. a bit of blood on his collarbone, some on his nose. and a scar. could he look any hotter? yet I'm horrified by these mysterious injuries. he got his shoe string tied and they hung on his neck, a shoe on either side of his collarbone.


and i can see comparing how i looked to him. loose sweatshirt, shorts, and my purple poka dot cow socks. wow.

faisal was first to break the silence. his hair grew a bit longer in the past 3 weeks. and i notice this with a day of living with him. a lock of hair slides onto his face.

faisal:" laish mo nayma?" his voice was gruff, as usual, deep and gruff, like honey and ice.

me:" i was waiting for you."

faisal changed his stance, his posture was a bit more stiff.

he stood a bit straighter.

faisal:" fee shay tabeena?" he wouldn't look at me. he looked to the side.

it took guts to say what i was about to say next

me:" i want to talk"

he sharply inhaled

faisal:" then talk, you have 2 minutes" and just like that he crossed is arms on his chest and tilted his head to the left, he looked at me expectantly.

me:" I'm sorry"

he smiled a cruel ,bitter smile:" well your gonna have to be a bit clearer than that layan"

me:"im not being truthful with you, I'm not being there for you-"

he glared at me:" were are you going with this?"

me:" i just want to leave it all out in the open, i need you to know i love you"

his jaw locked and he started walking to the door. i got up and blocked it

me:" you can only  runaway for so long faisal"

he bent down, that set him off
faisal exasperatedly said :" ME?! I'm the one running away?!"

me:" BOTH OF US ARE but at least I'm admitting it!"

he abruptly turned around walked two steps and threw his sneakers on the ground.

the majestic staircase as his background.

faisal turned around.

faisal:" im not the one who ran away layan, or did you forget?! on my birthday? when you left me there. what was it that you said? I'm not not running away faisal I'm walking away. YOU RAN AWAY MO ANA, i was right there watching you the whole DAMN TIME!! you walked out ON ME! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!"

i couldn't hold back the tears. so i just looked at him

me:" I'm sorry faisal"

he just looked at me, 
faisal:" sorry for what layan? its not like i care anymore"

my head snapped up and i walked over to him

me:" THATS A LIE, i love you and you love me thats how it is, thats how its always going to be"

and then i took his scarred outraged face in my hands and kissed him

he stood there shocked. eyes wide open. 
then he did something neither of us thought he would do

faisal kissed me back.

he swept me off my feet.

and i felt wetness on my cheek and realised that faisal was crying.

 he crushed me to him. 

his eyes shut tight, he breathed raggedly during the few times he came up for air.

and when he let me go he hugged me.  he bent his head onto the top of mine, my face was on his collarbone and neck.

 he didn't need words to tell me how sad and lonely he felt these past few months.


and we stayed like that till our legs couldn't hold us up anymore.

and when we lay there on the ground .........

he mumbled something:" there are a few things i can't tell you, please understand"
i turned my head to him:" i trust you faisal, no matter what"
 he smiled and kissed the top of my head
faisal:" your an idiot" he said smiling
me:" I'm your idiot"
faisal:" and I'm yours" he said quietly as if he didn't want me to hear him.

and then we fell asleep on the living room carpet in each other's arms. 

55

FAHAD

thump, thumpthumpthumpthump!

me" easy faisal had a39abik!"

we were at kickboxing, i was the designated punching bag holder and faisal was dishing out his best.

faisal took short jagged breathes and turned his gaze towards me

his mom just died, and the girl he's secretly married to - which happens to be my new sister- is confusing him emotionally. 

i didn't expect us to stay in kuwait honestly, though kuwait is home, and a part of both of our lives.the people we love, are either dead, don't know we exist, don't know that were related, don't know the truth, or know the truth and hate us.

 Ya , that pretty much sums up why were leaving, along with our dads manipulating us.

and i can tell from faisals calculating stare that he read my mind.

we do that. when you've been best friends and soul brothers with the same guy for all your life you tend to know whats going on, even when its all in my head. or his

faisal:" you think too much, and you worry too much. stop." he put it simply. 

but nonetheless my words calmed him down. he shook out his tense shoulders and arms

me:" hey, its ok to be messed up some  times, it gives you room to deal. just talk about it, don't keep it all in there. you know what happens when you do"

faisal cut me a sharp glare

faisal:" what happens"

faisal shook his arms out as we traded positions. and i commenced kicking the dummy.

me:" oh i don't know, maybe rejoin the game plan, and kissing the girl your supposed to leave in less than 6 months"

faisal:" lets forget about that, o 5an rakiz 3ala the match"

right, faisal had a match today. he's going up against 3abood. and you don't win a fight against 3abood. or you do and you come out barely breathing.

faisal:" oo dam inna you want to talk about our feelings 5al nitkalam 3an shino int nawi itsawy o mo gayily"

me:" plane, you and me tomorrow, baba wants us to go . he told me half an hour ago. just for a few days"

faisal actually smiled.

faisal:" thank god"

--

game time

faisal and 3abood were squaring off

it was horrifying. why am i being such a mom about this.

il mohim

faisal and 3abood were circling around each other like a wolf ( faisal) and a bear ( 3abood)

a punch hear a kick to the gut there.

and then faisal punched him square in the face. i shouted

3abood retaliated my jumping ontop. i gasped

faisal pulled him around. when 3abood scratches him. " AAAAAAA" THAT CAME FROM a7med but i closed his mouth with both hands

above the eye to below. he didn't touch the eye, since ( THANK GOD) faisal closed his eyes just in time.

the game was tied. a7med let out a deep breath, when did he even get here?

all of us quickly escorted faisal to the doctor in the next room.

faisal had a scar.

me:" dude, you look like  bad ass!"

faisal grunted then smiled.

a7med who was asked to wait outside in his hysterical condition was let in chan i9ari5 :" LIKE KOVU FROM LION KING 2" both of us stared at him

then we all burst out laughing.

this is faisals first laugh after his mom and layans situations. and I know

that though he's not ok.

hes on his way

chan fai9al yistaw3ab inny imtani7 fee 

faisal:" shfeek imtani7" he said jokingly

and i smiled

me:" you really do look like kovu"

a7med:" GITLIKOM!"

then we all laughed all over again.

inshallah dom.

54

"she must never know & you must never tell her. because, my son, sometimes ignorance is bliss."
poisonous words - 3ami


layan:

i was groggy by the time i woke up. heavy on pain meds. yet i still felt the pain, a bone chilling pain in my shoulder.

i opened my eyes to see a tableaux.

the person sitting on my bed to the right surprisingly was fahad, and to the left was my dad, and me in between them.

reem was fast asleep with baby bro on the black sofa.

though the two men in my presence assumed comfortable positions, they were too frozen, too stiff.

and then i saw him

faisal was like a statue, the only indication that he was human was the steady rise and fall of his chest. his eyes were void of emotion, no good emotions, no love, no happiness.

my dad looked tired, circles under his eyes, he looked miserable.

fahad and my dad both were the last people i expected to be holding my hands but they both were.

and as i looked up questioningly at fahad i saw his expression and his face.

he had chapped lips and a crazy look in his eyes. was that wonder? what was he wondering? how i stayed alive? i bet he blames himself. poor farad, he was always so hard on himself.


fahad was the one to break the silence.

fahad:" hey layan, you with us?" he offered me a small smile and squeezed my hand

me:" you bet"

i turned to my dad with dread....... but ill play it light. chinny ma sawait shay ghala6.

me:" hey baba i thought you had a business thing going on or something elsewhere?"

dad:" about that, i have made a decision based on everything thats been happening lately...its my fault that this happened and i can't protect you while I'm out of the country so i thought about the one person i could trust with your life, and the one person i would want you to live with and be watched over for now until next year .. and whats best for you is to move in with faisal. since i found out all about his secret marriage deal. "

i almost choked on my saliva

faisal:" 3ami-" faisal said quietly. he looked shocked. at least some emotion in his eyes


baba: " well i must admit, it was quite a good plan, ill give you credit fir that" he laughed



i fainted


i can't face faisal 

i can't live with him

it hurts too much,

i don't want to touch him

i want to hit him instead, and then patch him back up.

the warring emotions. i love and hate him so very very much


baba:" faisal, dont argue with me, when my first born is old enough to take responsibility the company will be passed back, its just for the time being"

fahad gave my dad an odd look.

faisal was outraged.











i drifted





i awoke in a strange room


with a letter on my bedside


from faisal


downstairs, five thirty
- faisal



i cried a bit, just to get it out of my system.






--------------








i got up and realised i was in a huge bed in a large white and pastel yellow room. my clothes were here but i was still in my scrubs.

meaning my butt showed..... this is so not how i expected confronting faisal.

i got up and felt my body was sore

my right shoulder was killing me

and i felt an acute pain on my back.

when i took off my scrubs i discovered that there was white bandaging on my back and my shoulder was being restricted.


i changed into a really long nightshirt with baggy sweats,

my hair grew out and was less wild then usual.

my eyes looked tired

i wore my black slippers and slowly walked down the wraparound staircase that mirrored another staircase. black wood with red carpeting. so beastly, so faisal

i remember this room i thought as i got to the bottom of the stairs, this is the room i fainted in during his mothers funeral..... oh faisal....

:  " 7IMDILLA 3ALA ILSAMA! YAH YAH YAH!"

I  heard someone yell behind me i swivelled around to see three gorgeous guys.

they go by the names a7med , fahad, and faisal.

they couldn't be more different if they tried.

the one who spoke was obviously ahmed and he was already walking towards me with blatant enthusiasm. fahad had a mild smile and he was sitting on an armchair. he broke out a grin as soon as my eyes met his and faisal...

faisal was leaning on the door, there was a table between us, and he just met my gaze steadily.

me:" allah yisalmik a7medo thanks for asking, shyaybik hnee?" i asked trying to fake happiness

a7med:"  nas igoloon shukran a7med, ya ba5atna feek a7med, will you marry me a7med, mo shyaybik" but he smiled anyways.

no one laughed at that...... seeing as my husband my secret husband, son of the  devil was in present company

a7med looked concerned, skeptical, & nervous

fahad broke the silence.
fahad:" 7imdilla 3ala salamtich" he said a little too formally
i smiled

me:" allah yisalmik bro"

his face paled and he winced.

what the fuck was that?
why is everyone acting so weird

me:" fahad? fee shay ghala6?"


he just smiled to himself and stood up quietly,


fahad:" la mako illa il3afya, ana 3indy maw3id bas yayt at6aman 3alaich, bye layan"


and he left

a7med:" welllll, now that mr. awkwards out of the way how bout we order some maki!!!!"


he shouted enthusiastically and jumped up

me:" i can't believe you two are related" i said out loud before i could stop myself


a7med smiled


faisal was still a statue



a7med:" wellll ill go make the order yalla ana bilghorfa ilthanya"



he skipped off and i looked at faisal


me:" so, are you gonna tell me what happened?"


he turned to me

eyes like fire

faisal:" you." he clipped angrily , " will. not. speak."

 i froze in fear and shock and surprise.

he took a deeeeeep breath.


faisal held out a finger and his face was calm and his voice was too when he spoke: " 6, sit ashhur o tiftakain miny, bas ni6ray"

my face paled and i stalked towards him

me:" just a reminder faisal, mo ana illy tzawajtik, int ill tzawajtny, ana ma gilt shay, o ba3dain ana ma 3indy moshkila with waiting for six months, your the one who looks like he has a problem with it"

i took the last two steps that separated us and came face to face or in this case face to chest with faisal.

me:" o a5er shay bagoola, what part of all of this was a white lie? good luck with the six months faisal" i said and smiled.


he looked down at me with granite eyes with a hint of amusement

faisal:" so you finally hate me"

me:" you've got what you wanted" i said

faisal walked past me to the door his back to me as he said

faisal:" no layan, i never wanted you to hate anyone, least of all me. "





'                                                          ~                                                  '






we both walked out to find a smug a7med with his arms crossed and his foot tapping.

a7med:" la tgooloon inny malgoof bas sima3t kilshay and you guys sounded like you were in a teen drama"

faisal ignored him but i smiled

thats when my phone rang with  justin bieber's take you as my ringtone

a7med:" AWKWAAAAARD" ahmed joked.

a7med insisted on watching a movie , he put one in and we sat. we were watching frozen......a7meds choice. he thought he found  himself in the snow man.
i couldn't disagree.

faisal just sat there jaw locked.

chan a7med yis2al ;" so faisal you only have one room and you guys are technically married now so  were are you guys gonna sleep?"

faisal didn't even look at him when he said " mo shighlik"

chapter 53

narrator:




 pompeii - bastille

a letter from faisal to himself a note:

silent days, the moment were you realise that the lies do kill
but the truth? its cold hard reality
a wake up call

for those of us with sorrows of our own...
there are those of us who are sad people 
but we must not let sadness become us

i know.. its easier said then done
but what else do i have to live for? god whom i dedicate my life to

 for the people i love 
paying them back for the things they did for me

for all the love they give me for which i must return

ungrateful

i feel ungrateful.

undeserving unworthy of her love

too much high expectations of us of me

i dont need this.       i cant do this anymore 

i could walk away from all this, a fresh new start like nothing happened.
but i need to fix what i have done, make amends..

because guilt does kill

because i will never admit the reasons why....

a letter from me to myself 

because she deserves better

theres no purpose of writing a letter unless it is to clear your thoughts
untangle this mess this jumble of us, my feelings, my reasons my mistakes

im doing this for my self

layan... dont let me go




REEM


fahad:"what are you doing here baba"

3amo m7ammad walked shut the door behind him.

faisal stood there and looked at me signaling me to
 not say a word. with his eyes ofcourse

now i get all the hub about fasils "speaking eyes" 3ala golat layan .... layan

3ami m7amad:" faisal.." he looked at faisal with a look ive never seen before.

cold hard steal of disapointment

faisal shook his head:"there in the same country, they were in the same school for a year before i pulled her out, they were already friends.... there was nothing i could do"

3ami m7ammad:"NOTHING YOU COULD DO? DONT EVEN START WITH ME FAISAL, YOU? the master of schemes and plans? you ? the cold hearted boy your father and i raised? nothing? NOTHING?"

fahad stood up:"can someone PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!!!"

faisal looked at 3ami m7amad:" are you gonna tell him or should i?"

3ami m7amad shared a look with faisal closed his eyes and tilted his head down

faisals voice came out brusque:" he deserves to hear it from you"

3ami m7ammad:" when your put in the position im in faisal.. youll know how hard this is for me"

fahad exploded:"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL ME? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

they just stared at eachother unfazed by what fahad just said

3ami m7amad:"i... i never told you this.... haven't you noticed.. that you and zaid have the same bent pinky on your right hand? or the same dimples?"

fahad stared at him and then looked at the sleeping zaid and looked back at 3ami

zaid was now sleeping head on my lap.

3ami m7ammad carried on:" ... or that you and layan have the same laugh?"


fahad:"zaid mentioned it.. whats your point.... are you trying to say that zaid and layan are my siblings"

everyone in the room paused.

3ami m7amad:" ee fahad thats exactly what im trying to say"

fahad stood still

fahad:" unbelievable....."

3ami:"faha-"

fahad:"no im saying your unbelievable otherwise it all makes sense shlon int ga6ny a5ir ildinya 3ashan ana o layan ma nit9adaf. shlon int dayman imsafir 7ata lama layan titkalam 3anik tgooly 3an shkithir tifgidik. shlon titkalam ma3a fais-"

then realization dawns on him
then he looks at faisal:"since when... since when did you know?"

faisal:"i needed to do what was best for you"

fahad:" ANSWER ME"

faisal:"since the 9th grade"

fahad:"4 years.... 4 years o int 3arif.. "

3ami:"its not as bad as it-"

fahad:"I HAVE A SISTER AND A BROTHER THAT I NEVER KNEW EXISTED!! LA YALAIT BA3AD I DONT KNOW THEM! LAAA2 THERE MY FRIENDS!! I KNEW LAYAN FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS, AS A GIRL IN MY SCHOOL!!  bas shes not,.... she was never just a girl from school... "

fahad looked at his dad:"you, i expected this from you bas not you faisal. not you. i trusted you with everything, i believed in you!"

faisal looked as if he'd just punched him

3ami:" then that means you dont know him.. faisal???? faisal does every task we give him without feeling and without a glance backwards to see the damage. thats who faisal is, jaded."

fahad:"no thats not who he is. thats what YOU made him into. you made him a monster. the faisal  I KNEW WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME EVEN WHEN I DIDNT NEED HIM HE WAS THERE."
and unexpectedly

faisal speaks with more emotion then I personally have ever heard him speak in..... ive only heard of this from layan. when she would talk about him.

faisal:"high expectations. you and layan are both fools with your beleif in me. you see something in me that isnt there the both of you, and now looook were its got her. in the hospital on a gurney. shot. trying to convince me to leave. trying to save me from myself"


she said his words were poetry, i remember when she said it she had stars in her eyes and i just laughed. at how head over heals she was.

fahad:" this isnt you faisal, this isnt you. dont let him get to you. ta3al when layan wakes up well leave."

faisal almost almost smiles:" and how do you suppose we do that?"

fahad:" we do exactly what you planned, well get on a plane and leave this behind us.. well start all over , beginning with uni."

facial got up,
 then walked over to fahad and gave him a bear hug only the tug of a sad smile to show he had emotion :" your a fool you know. for believeing in me"
then he pulled back:" im sorry" he said seriously . fahad pulled him back into a hug

3ami cleared his throat then spoke :"very well if thats what you want"

fahad:"as if what i wanted ever mattered to you. What i want is to know why you sent me away. why it wasnt layan and zaid"

3ami:"because...... its a very long long story"

fahad and faisal pulled out seats at the same time and sat. faisal with an evil half smile and fahad with his humorous acting of being clueless

fahad:" weve got until layan wakes up. dont we faisal"

faisal:"why,  inshallah yes,  yes we do fahad"

please don't be mad

dear loyal readers,

this year has been crazy for all of us, in the end we decided to put the blog aside for that time being and pursue the matters ahead of us. at this point only one of us has returned, and i came back so faisal wouldn't eat me. sorry for not posting, please forgive us