-LAYAN-
i didnt know where to start.
the next day we didnt have school
i got bored
i called reem, but then i remembered she did have school.
i went downstairs and sat with my mom.
"hala mama shlonich ilyom?" i asked and kissed her head
my mom was forty-five years old, she looked thirty though.
she had pitch black hair, sun kissed skin, and natural grey eyes. she had perfect white teeth. she had black hair like me but her hair was wavy. but always neat
and shes pure kuwaiti.
they said i was her little girl replica aside from my eyes and poofy hair.
my mom looks like a super model besides her height. she was only a little taller than me
she was wearing a crisp dark gray suit and holding her pen in a hand and a cup of coffee in another.
she was staring at her paper work
my mom is tough, shes also a perfectionist.
she always tells me whats wrong with me, she always points it out.
i feel like she doesnt like me, because she doesnt support me in anything
..
when i bring home my report card and i get a bad grade,
i show it to her
all she does is look at it and says
"ana shwaya mashghoula 7ayati"
my heart breaks a little inside,
and i smile
but i know she sees through it becaus ethe next day she buys me something expensive, or gives me money so i can go out with reem.
but do you know what hurts the most??
she doesnt care
i know she loves me somewhere deeeeeeeep deeeeep down there.
but i know she will always love herself first.
cuz thats just the typr of person she is,
i tell my mom about nothing, where i tell my dad everthing.
anyways,
she just nodded and stood up.
"layan im going to my office" she says
typical
"and i would like it if youd come with me" she said.
my eyes grew wwide
she only did that when something serious came up.
i walked with her
"layan ana imsafra ilyom o ba5ith o5ooch ma3ay, i called faisal and he will be loving here, i also called reems mother and shes letting reem sleep over here too but only on the weekends. i trust you and faisal to go to school and come back ok. and i also wish you wouldnt go out without reem and faisal. i trust him bas i also want her with you" she said.
what?!!
"naaaa3aaam? maamma faisal bi3eeesh 3indi????" i said
i started sweating
what?!!! i cant stay here---
wait why am i so nervouse
i cant just--
i hold my hands in my head
my mom paused and looked at me then sipped her coffee.
"layan when i was your age i listened to what my parents said and went to my room, its really simple, can you just walk away without the drama?" she said in a sharp voice,
this is her
not caring
not expecting much
seing right through me.
a tear formed
"whatever" i whispered and left the room
its times like these were i call my dad.
so i did
i walked into my room and dialed
"alloooo?" i heard a sleepy voice on the line
o shit i forgot the time difference
"aloo hi baba itha inta nayim ana igdar adig 3alaik ba3dain" i said in a low voice
i heard a sleepy rumble of laughter
"la ya layan ana dayman 3indich, 7acheeni" he said.
i felt the tears roll down
"i just miss you so much and i dontknowwhattodo, mamaisleavingandi--" my words started coming out in a jumble and my dad stopped me
"shway shway, layan laish tabcheen mala da3i, omich ray7a cham yom 7ag bussiness trips o o5ooch biroo7 ma3aha la2ana she volunteered him 7ag check up for intelligence mal yahal, nafs competition 7ag omich, la2ana kil illy ma3aha biyeeboon yahalhom, and you know how competitive she gets, bas la t7ateen faisal o reem bikoonoon ma3ach" he said.
"and i miss you too" he said. slowly as if unsure.
"baba laish ri7t o 5alaitny ma3aha, she doesnt CARE, ana killa agoolik inna she doesnt bas inta ma tisma3ny, laish ma 5athaitny ma3aaak!" i said turning angry. and i cried harder.
thats when i felt someone at the door.
it could be my bro willa maria our cook.
i didnt care.
"shhal kalam layan, ahya omich o t7ibich la tgoleen chithy, o ana gayilich fat7ay o 8amthay, o layan faisal mawjood," he said
"baba MAKO BADEEL 7AGIK no one other than reem cares. NO ONE CARES." i shouted.
i stopped talking trying to calm myself down
my dad waited patiently on the other line
"count to ten" he said.
i sighed
"baba-" i started.
"count to ten" he said again.
this is something were both used to,
my fits,
there rare
because ive learned over time to keep my control,
its a long story that has to do with my mom leaving my dad when i was 8 years old.
she left us
"1" i said, eyes far away. i said it with a dry throat and a rough voice
she left me
"2"
and i was never quite right.
until i met reem....
"3"
"4" i said in a lower much younger voice
my dad took me to a therapist who taught me how to control my rage
"5,6,7,8,9,10" i finished,
i turned and saw faisal at the door with an unreadable expression, i stared shocked.
and quickly wiped the tears off my face,
"bye baba, love you" i said.
"take care baba, wana akthar " he said.
and we shut the phone.
"you can stay in the guest room" i said. and walked towards him and the door.
"i know, my stuffs in" he said.
i stopped infront of him
and stared ruthelessly in his cold black eyes,
his eyes were like coal,
deep black pits of darkness,
they didnt glimmer, or shine,
they were cold black rutheless black holes, that sucked you in
you would see him and know he was no good.
but for some reason
i loved his eyes,
i loved his smirk,
i loved everything about faisal that normal people would probably run away from
and i hated him soo much for making me feel this way.
and say these words.
we were staring at eachother.
this time im not turning away.
i felt like i had nothing to loose.
i knew he saw this in my eyes
because his straight face turned a little uncertain,
he turned his eyes down. and his head away.
i stared at his tough jaw.
"you can stare all day layan, no ones stopping you" he said.
i didnt mean for him to catch me string at his jaw
that was completely and totally by accident.
"ok," i said.
his black eyes flicked towards me then to the hallway.
my mom came to the door and my spine straightened instantly.
he overheard didnt he,
"ha faisal o layan mara7 takloon?" she asked.
faisal looked at her,
"imbala 5alty il7een ib na6lib" he said.
she looked at me
i was a statue.
"zain, bas layan la taklleen thigeel, intay broo7ich ti7tajain, tith3ifeen shway dam inich mara7 itsween shay ib sha3rich, 3ala8al 5alay jismich 7ilo." she said.
my body went rigid and my moth turned downwards.
"dont you have somewhere to be?" i said in a rough voice.
both of them looked at me
"ee bas gilt ayee amir 3alaikom--" she said.
i did what faisal and her always did, i cut her off
"awal mara." i said monotonously
both of them looked at me shway nervous
as if i was a ticking time bomb
"ee bas gilt inny agoolich-" she said
tic
"wi9alat ilma3looma mama, ana imteena, o sha3ry kisha, ana jaikara o ig9eera, shukran mama, thi8ity bil nafs wayid mirtifi3" i said and smiled, but it wasnt really a smile was it? does it count as a smile when your eyes were dead of all emotion
tok
they both looked at me in shock, both taken aback
"layan ana mo 8a9di inni-" she satrted
"im sorry, i shouldnt have said that, especially not infront of faisal, what kind of a person would i be if i told my daughter these things infront of.... you know.. faisal. or guys like him anyways". i said and looked at faisal. he looked uncomfortable but after the last thing i said one of his eyebrows went up a little.
"layan sim3ini ana agool hal shay 3ashanich" she said. shwaya mi5tar3a her eyes wide.
"intay za3lana la2any ra7 a5aleech?" she asked
"la2 do u even hear yourself.?!!!dont you get it??" i asked.
exasperated.
faisal cleared his throat.,
"ill order a pizza" he said and tried to rush. but both me and my mom pushed hime back
"NO" we both said at the same time
"were finished here layan, i dont know what gotten into you bas its childish and your embarresing me infront of our guest" she said.
i felt numb
faisal looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than here.
my mom looked pissed
"wats gotten into me? ok ok lets see" i said in a low voice.
both of them quickly looked at me as i talked
"1. my mother is a workaholic, shes not a mom shes a mother," i said and took out a finger.
i took in a breathe.
"2." i said and took in another breathe
"she insults me , and she burns me with her words" i siad
"3. she askes me whats wrong, and i ask myself if shes blind" i said.
faisals and my moms eyes popped out,
theyve never seen me like this,
well guess what this is who ive always been with my mom
i am barely controlled,
"4, im fat, 5, my hair is horrible, 6 she thinks im the farthest thing from perfect. 7 she doesnt care about me. 8 if she could have it her way she would just pretend that i wasnt her daughter."
"LAYAN I DONT FEEL THAT WAY where is all this coming from" she said.
i looked at her with determination
"9. you left"
i said .
and everyone was quieet.
her phone vibrated
"i thought you wouldnt remember" she said in a guilty voice
"oh but i do," i said in a dead voice.
she checked her phone
"i have to leave for the airport" she said.
as she walked i said- though she couldnt hear me- in a whisper
"10, you came back" i said.
i only then jsut remembered that faisal was there.
he was staring at me
"you shouldnt speak that way to or about your mother" he said in a curt voice
i looked at him
"you dont know how much she loves you" he said,
"your just like her you know" i said with a smile.
faisal looked shocked,
we both walked our seperate ways and i heard him slam the door.
i felt guilty and i didnt sleep that night.
so at 3 am i put on my trainers and an oversized sweater. and walked up to faisals door.
i thought about knocking.
bas i couldnt do it. so instead i put my back against his door. and slid down
thats when reality hit me
he was the only family i had here.
suddenly the door opened.
but i couldnt see in the dark
"how did you know i was here?" i said in a low voice. and stood up
"i could here you sliding down the door" he said in a sleepy husky voice
"whats wrong?" he asked.
he sounded so sleepy.
i still couldnt see him yet
thats when faisal opened his lights.
he was shirtless and wearing gray sweats. o sha3ry kan yanin
i tried not to look too shocked.
i didnt know where to start.
the next day we didnt have school
i got bored
i called reem, but then i remembered she did have school.
i went downstairs and sat with my mom.
"hala mama shlonich ilyom?" i asked and kissed her head
my mom was forty-five years old, she looked thirty though.
she had pitch black hair, sun kissed skin, and natural grey eyes. she had perfect white teeth. she had black hair like me but her hair was wavy. but always neat
and shes pure kuwaiti.
they said i was her little girl replica aside from my eyes and poofy hair.
my mom looks like a super model besides her height. she was only a little taller than me
she was wearing a crisp dark gray suit and holding her pen in a hand and a cup of coffee in another.
she was staring at her paper work
my mom is tough, shes also a perfectionist.
she always tells me whats wrong with me, she always points it out.
i feel like she doesnt like me, because she doesnt support me in anything
..
when i bring home my report card and i get a bad grade,
i show it to her
all she does is look at it and says
"ana shwaya mashghoula 7ayati"
my heart breaks a little inside,
and i smile
but i know she sees through it becaus ethe next day she buys me something expensive, or gives me money so i can go out with reem.
but do you know what hurts the most??
she doesnt care
i know she loves me somewhere deeeeeeeep deeeeep down there.
but i know she will always love herself first.
cuz thats just the typr of person she is,
i tell my mom about nothing, where i tell my dad everthing.
anyways,
she just nodded and stood up.
"layan im going to my office" she says
typical
"and i would like it if youd come with me" she said.
my eyes grew wwide
she only did that when something serious came up.
i walked with her
"layan ana imsafra ilyom o ba5ith o5ooch ma3ay, i called faisal and he will be loving here, i also called reems mother and shes letting reem sleep over here too but only on the weekends. i trust you and faisal to go to school and come back ok. and i also wish you wouldnt go out without reem and faisal. i trust him bas i also want her with you" she said.
what?!!
"naaaa3aaam? maamma faisal bi3eeesh 3indi????" i said
i started sweating
what?!!! i cant stay here---
wait why am i so nervouse
i cant just--
i hold my hands in my head
my mom paused and looked at me then sipped her coffee.
"layan when i was your age i listened to what my parents said and went to my room, its really simple, can you just walk away without the drama?" she said in a sharp voice,
this is her
not caring
not expecting much
seing right through me.
a tear formed
"whatever" i whispered and left the room
its times like these were i call my dad.
so i did
i walked into my room and dialed
"alloooo?" i heard a sleepy voice on the line
o shit i forgot the time difference
"aloo hi baba itha inta nayim ana igdar adig 3alaik ba3dain" i said in a low voice
i heard a sleepy rumble of laughter
"la ya layan ana dayman 3indich, 7acheeni" he said.
i felt the tears roll down
"i just miss you so much and i dontknowwhattodo, mamaisleavingandi--" my words started coming out in a jumble and my dad stopped me
"shway shway, layan laish tabcheen mala da3i, omich ray7a cham yom 7ag bussiness trips o o5ooch biroo7 ma3aha la2ana she volunteered him 7ag check up for intelligence mal yahal, nafs competition 7ag omich, la2ana kil illy ma3aha biyeeboon yahalhom, and you know how competitive she gets, bas la t7ateen faisal o reem bikoonoon ma3ach" he said.
"and i miss you too" he said. slowly as if unsure.
"baba laish ri7t o 5alaitny ma3aha, she doesnt CARE, ana killa agoolik inna she doesnt bas inta ma tisma3ny, laish ma 5athaitny ma3aaak!" i said turning angry. and i cried harder.
thats when i felt someone at the door.
it could be my bro willa maria our cook.
i didnt care.
"shhal kalam layan, ahya omich o t7ibich la tgoleen chithy, o ana gayilich fat7ay o 8amthay, o layan faisal mawjood," he said
"baba MAKO BADEEL 7AGIK no one other than reem cares. NO ONE CARES." i shouted.
i stopped talking trying to calm myself down
my dad waited patiently on the other line
"count to ten" he said.
i sighed
"baba-" i started.
"count to ten" he said again.
this is something were both used to,
my fits,
there rare
because ive learned over time to keep my control,
its a long story that has to do with my mom leaving my dad when i was 8 years old.
she left us
"1" i said, eyes far away. i said it with a dry throat and a rough voice
she left me
"2"
and i was never quite right.
until i met reem....
"3"
"4" i said in a lower much younger voice
my dad took me to a therapist who taught me how to control my rage
"5,6,7,8,9,10" i finished,
i turned and saw faisal at the door with an unreadable expression, i stared shocked.
and quickly wiped the tears off my face,
"bye baba, love you" i said.
"take care baba, wana akthar " he said.
and we shut the phone.
"you can stay in the guest room" i said. and walked towards him and the door.
"i know, my stuffs in" he said.
i stopped infront of him
and stared ruthelessly in his cold black eyes,
his eyes were like coal,
deep black pits of darkness,
they didnt glimmer, or shine,
they were cold black rutheless black holes, that sucked you in
you would see him and know he was no good.
but for some reason
i loved his eyes,
i loved his smirk,
i loved everything about faisal that normal people would probably run away from
and i hated him soo much for making me feel this way.
and say these words.
we were staring at eachother.
this time im not turning away.
i felt like i had nothing to loose.
i knew he saw this in my eyes
because his straight face turned a little uncertain,
he turned his eyes down. and his head away.
i stared at his tough jaw.
"you can stare all day layan, no ones stopping you" he said.
i didnt mean for him to catch me string at his jaw
that was completely and totally by accident.
"ok," i said.
his black eyes flicked towards me then to the hallway.
my mom came to the door and my spine straightened instantly.
he overheard didnt he,
"ha faisal o layan mara7 takloon?" she asked.
faisal looked at her,
"imbala 5alty il7een ib na6lib" he said.
she looked at me
i was a statue.
"zain, bas layan la taklleen thigeel, intay broo7ich ti7tajain, tith3ifeen shway dam inich mara7 itsween shay ib sha3rich, 3ala8al 5alay jismich 7ilo." she said.
my body went rigid and my moth turned downwards.
"dont you have somewhere to be?" i said in a rough voice.
both of them looked at me
"ee bas gilt ayee amir 3alaikom--" she said.
i did what faisal and her always did, i cut her off
"awal mara." i said monotonously
both of them looked at me shway nervous
as if i was a ticking time bomb
"ee bas gilt inny agoolich-" she said
tic
"wi9alat ilma3looma mama, ana imteena, o sha3ry kisha, ana jaikara o ig9eera, shukran mama, thi8ity bil nafs wayid mirtifi3" i said and smiled, but it wasnt really a smile was it? does it count as a smile when your eyes were dead of all emotion
tok
they both looked at me in shock, both taken aback
"layan ana mo 8a9di inni-" she satrted
"im sorry, i shouldnt have said that, especially not infront of faisal, what kind of a person would i be if i told my daughter these things infront of.... you know.. faisal. or guys like him anyways". i said and looked at faisal. he looked uncomfortable but after the last thing i said one of his eyebrows went up a little.
"layan sim3ini ana agool hal shay 3ashanich" she said. shwaya mi5tar3a her eyes wide.
"intay za3lana la2any ra7 a5aleech?" she asked
"la2 do u even hear yourself.?!!!dont you get it??" i asked.
exasperated.
faisal cleared his throat.,
"ill order a pizza" he said and tried to rush. but both me and my mom pushed hime back
"NO" we both said at the same time
"were finished here layan, i dont know what gotten into you bas its childish and your embarresing me infront of our guest" she said.
i felt numb
faisal looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than here.
my mom looked pissed
"wats gotten into me? ok ok lets see" i said in a low voice.
both of them quickly looked at me as i talked
"1. my mother is a workaholic, shes not a mom shes a mother," i said and took out a finger.
i took in a breathe.
"2." i said and took in another breathe
"she insults me , and she burns me with her words" i siad
"3. she askes me whats wrong, and i ask myself if shes blind" i said.
faisals and my moms eyes popped out,
theyve never seen me like this,
well guess what this is who ive always been with my mom
i am barely controlled,
"4, im fat, 5, my hair is horrible, 6 she thinks im the farthest thing from perfect. 7 she doesnt care about me. 8 if she could have it her way she would just pretend that i wasnt her daughter."
"LAYAN I DONT FEEL THAT WAY where is all this coming from" she said.
i looked at her with determination
"9. you left"
i said .
and everyone was quieet.
her phone vibrated
"i thought you wouldnt remember" she said in a guilty voice
"oh but i do," i said in a dead voice.
she checked her phone
"i have to leave for the airport" she said.
as she walked i said- though she couldnt hear me- in a whisper
"10, you came back" i said.
i only then jsut remembered that faisal was there.
he was staring at me
"you shouldnt speak that way to or about your mother" he said in a curt voice
i looked at him
"you dont know how much she loves you" he said,
"your just like her you know" i said with a smile.
faisal looked shocked,
we both walked our seperate ways and i heard him slam the door.
i felt guilty and i didnt sleep that night.
so at 3 am i put on my trainers and an oversized sweater. and walked up to faisals door.
i thought about knocking.
bas i couldnt do it. so instead i put my back against his door. and slid down
thats when reality hit me
he was the only family i had here.
suddenly the door opened.
but i couldnt see in the dark
"how did you know i was here?" i said in a low voice. and stood up
"i could here you sliding down the door" he said in a sleepy husky voice
"whats wrong?" he asked.
he sounded so sleepy.
i still couldnt see him yet
thats when faisal opened his lights.
he was shirtless and wearing gray sweats. o sha3ry kan yanin
i tried not to look too shocked.
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